I’m
thinking from the title, that guilt might have been your first instinct upon
reading this. Don’t hear “guilt” as much
as I want you to hear “healthy.” That
is, the healthiest way to be a Mom who works outside the home and the issues
that come with that. There is joy… and
there are dangers. I want to help you
with the dangers.
My
guess is you always knew that you could never be a stay-at-home Mom. Even though you couldn’t wait to have a child
-- and you loved how the child changed your life -- you knew you would go stir
crazy if you stayed home all day with these precious things you brought into
the world. For some of us, it was a good
thing we had a desire to work because our husband’s salary could not support
your family. That is not a bash on your
husband – you wanted them to follow their passion, their gift, their dream –
but their dream perhaps didn’t pay like you hoped it would. As a result, you entered the workforce. For others, being in the workforce with our
own career was always the option we wanted to pursue. Either way, the challenges of being a
“working Mom” entered our world. And our
world has never been the same.
Take working mom Kalie Carney for example, she's pregnant, works fulltime, and has a 2 year old daughter. She is one of many. To hear more about her story check out the feature local news station KMVT did with her and I here.
Haven't you always wanted to figure out how to agree to disagree with your spouse, coworker, family member, or boss without left over contention or by simply biting your tongue?
Well here's your answer.
I'm so very excited to be able to use all this wonderful technology in the world today. With that said I am happy to announce that beginning February 22. 2012 at 10:30 AM MST I will be delivering my first telecast/webinar.
And guess what it's FREE!
The first 50 people can reserve their spot to attend this event right from the comfort of their home via their computer.
Details
What all that means is that you will be able to see and hear me speak on a topic. But I won't be able to see you This month it's about Conflict Resolution. Below there is a 5 minute video preview.
At the end of the telecast you can use the chat feature to ask me questions that I will answer on camera.
It's like personal at home therapy...for free!
If you'd like to reduce the conflict in your life go here and fill out the simple form.
I
love a sunset with clouds in the sky that make the pending night look like an
art gallery of color.
I
love the gorgeous sunrise over Mt Baker as it shines across the mountain
range.
Beauty
is sitting on a beach watching the waves roll in with a slight breeze in my
face.
Beauty
is watching my kids play and laugh.
But
then… I watch a video like this.
And,
again, I am reminded that beauty tends to be seen in our society through a very
narrow lens. Knowing that, it makes me
not want to look in the mirror. I get
this video is a parody and all, but the what makes it so haunting is the subtle
(or not so subtle) truth behind it all.
Why
do we do this to women? We are so
beautiful, but we are so hard on ourselves.
After watching this, I get why.
Does beauty really mean flatter stomaches, smaller hips, bigger boobs,
plumper lips, (is that a word plumper? Works for me), smooth skin, long blonde
hair (okay… blondes really do have more fun), slender long legs. Seriously? Talk about setting ourselves up
for failure. If you qualify in the list
spoken of above, you represent .000001% of the world’s population.
Props to you.
The rest of us are happy for you – seriously.
I
just don’t want to be compared to that. I
don’t know about you, but since having kids I don’t think my body will ever be
the same. I learned that the hard way
from my son.
He’s 12 now, but when he
was 4 years old he walked up to me and pronounced, “Mom… you have little
buns. They just look big.” I
resisted the temptation to squash him like a bug and to remind him that he was
the cause of the, uhh…. “big buns.”
Instead,
I did what all mommys do… “You are so sweet, but I would recommend never – ever
saying that to your wife.” (I saw it as a teachable moment.) J
That
is until he made another comment when he was five. I was about to get in the shower when he
remarked, “Mom! What are those marks all over your hip?” I said, “Stretch marks from when I was
pregnant with you. Those are my reminders
how lucky I am to have you” (not bad, huh?
Wasn’t I sweet?). Then he says “Those aren’t pretty… No one should see
those.”
Children. They are such a blessing.
No
one can prepare you for moments like that.
You don’t know whether to laugh, cry or starve yourself. And the reason? We have that deeply rooted belief that we
need to be perfect.
And
that belief kills us slowly each and every day we buy into it.
Here’s
the truth: most men love our bodies just the way they are. Seriously.
They talk a good game and we hear their rants when the “prototypical”
woman hits the TV screen. However, they
really are happy with how we look. Do
you think they are going to turn down sex because we don’t look like the woman
on the TV screen?
Honestly…
We are beautiful just the way we are.
It’s something you have (hopefully!) heard throughout your life, but a
saying that we pass off too easily.
Whether we are short or tall, plump or thin, white, tan or dark skinned,
blonde, brunette, red-head... Can we have grace for ourselves that we are so
much more than just what we look like on the outside?
We
are so much more than what people see – we are deep, vibrant, intelligent,
bright, capable women that have so much more to offer than just our
bodies. Again… ask any guy. They may talk a good game about the “hot”
girl, but they won’t stick around unless someone is interesting, fun,
intelligent and at ease with herself.
I
feel compelled to fight this battle because I have this sweet 10-year old
daughter and I don’t want her thinking she has to be “foto shopped” in order to
be beautiful. She is truly amazing just
the way she is. So come on, ladies – we
don’t have to buy into the belief we have to be some Victoria Secret runway
model in order to be loveable or good enough.
We just have to be ourselves – our witty, charming, fun, intelligent,
loving, giving, playful, sexy, exciting selves.
The
truth is… we all are “hot.” That is, in
all the ways that really matter. And
THAT is what makes us beautiful…
After
years of professional counseling experience with clients… after years of
working in various offices and businesses… after years of being human… I have arrived at this
conclusion:
“drama” is America’s #1
addiction.
Think
about it.
What
do you deal with and get frustrated with the most? DRAMA.
Whether it’s the person who misread your words or body language, or the
email that seemed a bit “off”, or the relationship that played out weird… our
constant concern – and quite often, our constant craving – is the drama that
will soon follow whatever experience we had that ignites a twist of tale and
woe for us and others to wonder about, consider and talk through until we are
blue in the face.
The
fear of drama keeps you from walking out the front door without your makeup
on. Seriously. Ever had that “I wonder who I will run into”
thought when you don’t look your “best”?
It is the thought of who you will run into, what will they think, and
what they might say to another that is enough to drive you crazy.
And
the fact we spend an exorbitant thinking about it is even crazier.
The
other day, I went out to lunch with my dear friend, Trudy. Having been bitten by the drama bug before, I
literally said to her, “Watch… now there will be a rumor that I am a lesbian
because we are here together.”
Labels. Judgment.
Fear. I hate that feeling.
But
that feeling is real. Why is that? Because it has happened. It has happened to me, it has happened to you
and it has happened when we least expected it.
And frankly… it hurts.
Why
do people create drama? The truth is, it distracts them from their own
life. It actally makes them feel better
about themselves. When they whisper the
words, “Did you hear . . . .” and get the enthusiastic response back that
echoes, “Seriously?!? What on earth?!”
they feel “connected” to another in a way that makes them feel better and, in a
strange twisted, safe way.
May
I offer a word of caution… Whenever someone tells you something about one
person to make that “connection” remember this: If they are willing to talk about
someone, they will be willing to talk about you.
There
is no further proof of America’s addiction to drama than our obsession with the
lives of celebrities. Look at the local
magazine rack or glance at any number of television “news” shows… we are
addicted. This morning I was watching
the TODAY show – they were talking about how Seal and Heidi Clum are splitting
up. Why is that any of our business? The Dutches of Whales – beautiful Kate… they
saw a slight scare on hair line on her head and made a huge deal of it. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and their big
break up. It went on and on…
The
key in all of this is that if I know someone else has it worse than me, then I
can feel better about my life. What a
bogus version of reality. The troubling
part is the cycle that is created. When
you do learn of someone who has it “better” than you, what do you do? You have to create more drama so you can feel
better about yourself again! Does that
sound familier? A drug addict comes down
off their high, the alcoholic starts feeling the uneasiness of sobriety, the
addict to pain killers starts feeling the pain, the eating disorder feels an
extra pound… What do they all do? They
numb again.
The
challenge with the drama addict is that its not a diagnosis – its not something
we have an AA group for. There is no
medication for it. Yet, it is very real
and affects thousands of people. Just
look at kids… drama is why kids tease each other and why they say hurtful,
horrible things that lead the tortured
to do extreme things -- even suicide.
Being the brunt of the rumor or drama makes people do crazy things. It makes them want to drink more, hide more,
eat more, be more angry. In their hurt,
they can lash back with starting another rumor.
What
makes me so sad is no one ever stops and asks, “Would I want someone to say
this about me? How would I feel if
someone talked about me like that?” It
seems to me that all of us would do well to think of the bigger picture at play
and consider where our need to “do drama” is coming from. Perhaps then we could really get to the root
of the issue and find the healthier path that gets us to what we really want:
peace with ourselves.
I
want to encourage you… When you hear someone talking drama about someone else, tell
them to stop. Standing there and
listening is no different than agreeing.
Walk away. Take a stand. Be
courageous. Lets do our part to stop the
madness… to stop the drama!
I heard on the radio today a woman talking about her New Year's resolution. She boldly stated to the DJ that she had made a commitment that her family (all six of them) were going to eat every meal around the family dinner table for the entire year.
The DJ asked the question I would have as soon as he heard the news... "Does your family gather around the dinner table now on occasion for meals together?"
Without skipping a beat, the caller shouted out, "No! Never!! But we're gonna change all that..."
While I admire the woman's heart and completely understand her desire to have her family gather together, I couldn't help but think,
"I bet they won't last the week."
All too often, people create resolutions to start the New Year that are so unrealistic to who they are that they set themselves up to fail. And once the "failure" kicks in, they shame themselves for not living up to their expectations and hopes, creating a recurring theme in their lives that they are incapable of something more or something better.
Truthfully, I am not a big fan of resolutions. and that is my professional opinion. Too often, they are based on something people are not. They see themselves as they are, wish they were something different or more, and set a goal to get to that new place. It isn't that the idea is bad, it is the methodology that begins from a place of shame rather than joy.
Shame-based beginning points that are supposed to motivate us to fields of joy never seem to quite work out.
I prefer a different exercise. Rather than setting a resolution, start with just being grateful for where you are at.
Begin each day with thankful expressions of that in your life for which you feel blessed. It is amazing how this exercise leads you to feelings that make you want more of that for which you are grateful. When those feelings kick in, the motivator toward goals you have begin from a joyous place -- producing a methodology that leads you to your intended "place."
And, with each step forward, a whole new wave of gratitude awakens, furthering your journey toward that which you wanted in the first place.
Put simply... if you are not grateful for where you are now, why do you think you will feel good when you arrive at the next place?
How Could This Happen has maintained a top 100 position on Amazon for the last week. In addition to that it has been voted one of Amazon's Hot New Releases. I couldn't be more thrilled with its success. In writing How Could This Happen I wanted to create an extension of myself. There are just not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Or help those that I wish to help.
With that in mind I wanted to show my gratitude and appreciation for the support my readers have shown. So I'm having a giveaway. And as if things couldn't get better my colleague and friend Laura M. Brotherson , Amazon/Deseret Books best selling author offered up her book as part of the giveaway too. And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment is a book I highly recommend from newlyweds to those who've been married for decades. Laura is a exceptional therapist. She possesses an ability to write in a way that is respectful to the sanctity of marriage but with realistic and unique attention to physical intimacy. I'm very grateful for her friendship and support.
So here are the details of the contest.
Prizes
One lucky winner will receive a Kindle Touch with How Could This Happen and And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment uploaded.
Five additional winners will receive a copy of And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment in their choice of eBook or print.
Five additional winners will receive a copy of How Could This Happen in their choice of eBook or print.
How to Enter
Scrolling down to the bottom and hitting the buttons on the little Rafflecoptor gadget is how you enter. The more times you hit those buttons and do what is instructed, the more points you get and the better your chances to win. You do not have to do all of them. Just the first two which are follow my blog and follow Laura's blog. This contest begins Dec 16, 2011 at 12:01 AM and ends on Dec 31, 2011 at 12:01 AM. Winners are randomly selected through Raffelcoptor and will be announced here and contacted through email. This is not an international contest and your must be 18 or older to win.
More about the Prizes...
Kindle Touch
Simple-to-use touchscreen, with audio and built-in Wi-Fi
Only e-reader with text-to-speech, audiobooks and mp3 support
Built in Wi-Fi - Get books in 60 seconds
Borrow Kindle books from your public library
Exclusive EasyReach touch technology lets you read easily with one hand
New X-Ray feature lets you look up characters, historical figures, and interesting phrases
How Could This Happen?
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?" Finding Your Way When Tragedy Strikes
The UNTHINKABLE... UNIMAGINABLE... UNBELIEVABLE just took place.
WHAT NOW?
Author Kristi Fowler takes you on a journey through the landscape of tragedy -- how it hits you, how it affects you, and how you can find a way through that leads to a new life of meaning and purpose. Practical and insightful with a 'real-world' perspective, Kristi offers you the opportunity to learn from her years as a counselor helping people through tragedy and from personal experiences in her own life. You are sure to discover her ability to relate to encountering tragedy and its affects on the family, a marriage, parenting, etc.
Take the journey with Kristi as she helps you find YOUR "NEW NORMAL"
And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment
Finally! a book about physical intimacy and marital ONEness that is comprehensive, in-depth and frank, yet still respectfully reverent. And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura M. Brotherson is the ultimate how-to handbook--power-packed with hope and help for creating a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.
As three books in one, this "marriage book," "sex book" and "parenting book":
Shines light and truth on the intimate marital relationship, restoring sex to its proper position as ordained of God
Effectively addresses, with self-help solutions, the emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy issues that plague so many marriages, paving the way toward complete ONEness in marriage
Provides principles and practices to help parents teach and better prepare their children for intimacy and lasting fulfillment in marriage.
Good luck to you all and please share with your friends.
And the Winners are....
The Kindle
Kristi Lowell
Copies of How Could This Happen
Scott Livingston
Brandy Parker
Terri Dion
Ian Alexander
Bessamy Snoderly
Copies of And They Were Not Ashamed...
Kara Clecker
Lynsie
Lynette Reeves Payne
Terri Dion
Joel Marc Andre
All winners have been contacted through the email listed. Each was chosen at random using Raffelecoptor and Random.org. Thank you to everyone who participated.
So I'm on a plane heading to California. The why will come in just a minute. When I travel I have to take Dramamine. I get sick if I don't. And anyone whose ever took the stuff knows that it makes you sleepy. I usually try to hover in that half awake state for a very special reason.
Delta Biscoff Cookies
I really want those cookies. However, on this trip I am feeling rather unwell due to a cold and didn't wake up. When the plane landed I woke and murmured something about how I missed my cookies. My sweet husband hands me a package and smiles. He saved me some.
Now that's love...it's about the small things. He is amazing when it comes to the small things especially.
However, our trip to California isn't about a small thing. But a rather huge benevolent act. Please don't think this a blog post for attention. It's about the benevolent example of love my husband is for me from the small acts of kindness to the huge acts of service. From his time as Executive Director of the Boys and Girls Club of Magic Valley where he motivate not only youth but adults as well. To his gift of life an health to a total stranger according to society. But, a brother in the eyes of God.
Why we are in California
Recently he found out that he was a bone marrow match for a 16 yr old boy in Southern California. The boy doesn’t need his bone marrow - he needs his stem cells from his blood. We left on Friday for Sam (my husband) to receive 4 days of injections that are going to make him very sick. Then on the 5th day he will have an iv in one arm taking his blood and putting it back in on the other arm. It will take approximately 8 hours. They will take his blood 3 times over.
If he doesn't do this the boy will die.
It is his last hope.
What I love about my husband is that he gets nothing out of this expect the satisfaction of doing the right thing and giving to someone else. I feel so lucky to be married to him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
I was amazed when I heard the story ofLauren Scruggs.(She’s the model in Texas who was hit by a spinning airplane propeller.) According to the reports I heard, it hit her in the head (she may or may not lose an eye), cut off her hand, cut into her shoulder and left her lucky to be alive.
Can you imagine? You go flying over Texas to look at some Christmas lights, you get off the plane, go back to thank the pilot for the ride, and get struck by a spinning propeller!
That old TV show “Kids Say The Darndest Things” used to crack me up (and no… I am not old enough to know the Art Linkletter version – just the Bill Cosby remake of it!). Kids do say the darndest things.
And every now and again, they say something profound.
Such was the case with my son, Cody, the other day. So, awhile back, we got our kids phones to carry on them in case of emergency. In this day and age, it just seemed like the smart thing to do. They were nothing fancy, just capable enough to make a call or send a limited text message.
I just spent time with my family for Thanksgiving – something millions of people did – and had an incredible experience the morning of Thanksgiving. My sister Kim and I went for a walk. Bear in mind – my sister is a burn survivor who has overcome pretty incredible odds. I survived a near fatal car accident in college that almost left me a quadriplegic. So… when we say we are going for a walk, we are both very aware of what a privilege it is to do so.
