I’m
thinking from the title, that guilt might have been your first instinct upon
reading this. Don’t hear “guilt” as much
as I want you to hear “healthy.” That
is, the healthiest way to be a Mom who works outside the home and the issues
that come with that. There is joy… and
there are dangers. I want to help you
with the dangers.
My
guess is you always knew that you could never be a stay-at-home Mom. Even though you couldn’t wait to have a child
-- and you loved how the child changed your life -- you knew you would go stir
crazy if you stayed home all day with these precious things you brought into
the world. For some of us, it was a good
thing we had a desire to work because our husband’s salary could not support
your family. That is not a bash on your
husband – you wanted them to follow their passion, their gift, their dream –
but their dream perhaps didn’t pay like you hoped it would. As a result, you entered the workforce. For others, being in the workforce with our
own career was always the option we wanted to pursue. Either way, the challenges of being a
“working Mom” entered our world. And our
world has never been the same.
Take working mom Kalie Carney for example, she's pregnant, works fulltime, and has a 2 year old daughter. She is one of many. To hear more about her story check out the feature local news station KMVT did with her and I here.
We
all have dreams of what it will be like to be a “Mom.” We can’t wait to hold our new little one in
our arms… to love them, bathe them, feed
them, raise them. Remember the first
time you held your baby and what you thought?
There you are, most likely in the
hospital, and the nurse sets your precious one in your arms. It is such a precious moment – one you will
never forget. But then . . . . you get them
home. The feeding, pooping, puking,
crying… it doesn’t stop. It is nothing
you could ever imagine.
Hear
me… It’s not that you stop loving them or wish you didn’t have them. It is just way more challenging than one
could ever imagine. I remember after my
kids were born looking forward to the day I could get caught up on my
sleep! Or, wear an outfit without snot
smeared across my shoulder or baby spit-up smell on me. You survive the infancy months and you find
yourself dreaming of the time they sleep through the night, the day they get
out of diapers, and that day they go to school so you might have a moment to
yourself. These are things we all think
of, but at times, are afraid to admit.
The
truth is, you would never change your life because you love what you have. Its just that there were some things you
could never anticipate. Like . . . the “danger”
of being a stay-at-home mom. I’m
guessing the idea of “danger” never entered your mind when you thought about
being at home with your child. I truly
believe that being a stay-at-home mom is a noble calling. But then, it becomes your life... and, well…
it’s not what you totally expected.
There is no time to yourself.
Nothing ever stops. Getting a
shower becomes one of your greatest challenges.
You struggle feeling like a maid more than a mom. You feel under appreciated. You feel like what you contribute isn’t as
important as what your husband does because he brings home the paycheck. Over time, you slowly feel like you are
losing who you are.
The
challenge is, there is no way to measure or determine if you are successful or
being good at what you do. How could you? It isn’t until our kids move out and go on to
have a successful life that we learn if our effort made a difference. That is a long way away. In the meantime, you are forced to live with
the myriad of feelings that a stay-at-home Mom deals with… and those feelings
are intense, challenging, important, and often-times, overwhelming.
There
are real and serious dangers to being a stay-at-home Mom. I want you to know you are not alone! There are tools I want to give you to
confront those dangers and allow you to be the best at what you do. Please join me for my next webinar, “The
Dangers of Being a SuperMom,” March 20th at 6 pm or March 21st at 10am Mountain time. You won’t want to
miss it… And… You deserve it!
Webinar Details
1. This time there is a $10.00 attendance fee that can be paid securely through PayPal. 2. Use the button provided below to pay. Once your payment has cleared a registration page will appear. If it doesn't please email me and let me know at kristi@find-my-way.com 3.On this page there are easy step by step instructions about how to register and sign up for the event.
Haven't you always wanted to figure out how to agree to disagree with your spouse, coworker, family member, or boss without left over contention or by simply biting your tongue?
Well here's your answer.
I'm so very excited to be able to use all this wonderful technology in the world today. With that said I am happy to announce that beginning February 22. 2012 at 10:30 AM MST I will be delivering my first telecast/webinar.
And guess what it's FREE!
The first 50 people can reserve their spot to attend this event right from the comfort of their home via their computer.
Details
What all that means is that you will be able to see and hear me speak on a topic. But I won't be able to see you This month it's about Conflict Resolution. Below there is a 5 minute video preview.
At the end of the telecast you can use the chat feature to ask me questions that I will answer on camera.
It's like personal at home therapy...for free!
If you'd like to reduce the conflict in your life go here and fill out the simple form.
I
love a sunset with clouds in the sky that make the pending night look like an
art gallery of color.
I
love the gorgeous sunrise over Mt Baker as it shines across the mountain
range.
Beauty
is sitting on a beach watching the waves roll in with a slight breeze in my
face.
Beauty
is watching my kids play and laugh.
But
then… I watch a video like this.
And,
again, I am reminded that beauty tends to be seen in our society through a very
narrow lens. Knowing that, it makes me
not want to look in the mirror. I get
this video is a parody and all, but the what makes it so haunting is the subtle
(or not so subtle) truth behind it all.
Why
do we do this to women? We are so
beautiful, but we are so hard on ourselves.
After watching this, I get why.
Does beauty really mean flatter stomaches, smaller hips, bigger boobs,
plumper lips, (is that a word plumper? Works for me), smooth skin, long blonde
hair (okay… blondes really do have more fun), slender long legs. Seriously? Talk about setting ourselves up
for failure. If you qualify in the list
spoken of above, you represent .000001% of the world’s population.
Props to you.
The rest of us are happy for you – seriously.
I
just don’t want to be compared to that. I
don’t know about you, but since having kids I don’t think my body will ever be
the same. I learned that the hard way
from my son.
He’s 12 now, but when he
was 4 years old he walked up to me and pronounced, “Mom… you have little
buns. They just look big.” I
resisted the temptation to squash him like a bug and to remind him that he was
the cause of the, uhh…. “big buns.”
Instead,
I did what all mommys do… “You are so sweet, but I would recommend never – ever
saying that to your wife.” (I saw it as a teachable moment.) J
That
is until he made another comment when he was five. I was about to get in the shower when he
remarked, “Mom! What are those marks all over your hip?” I said, “Stretch marks from when I was
pregnant with you. Those are my reminders
how lucky I am to have you” (not bad, huh?
Wasn’t I sweet?). Then he says “Those aren’t pretty… No one should see
those.”
Children. They are such a blessing.
No
one can prepare you for moments like that.
You don’t know whether to laugh, cry or starve yourself. And the reason? We have that deeply rooted belief that we
need to be perfect.
And
that belief kills us slowly each and every day we buy into it.
Here’s
the truth: most men love our bodies just the way they are. Seriously.
They talk a good game and we hear their rants when the “prototypical”
woman hits the TV screen. However, they
really are happy with how we look. Do
you think they are going to turn down sex because we don’t look like the woman
on the TV screen?
Honestly…
We are beautiful just the way we are.
It’s something you have (hopefully!) heard throughout your life, but a
saying that we pass off too easily.
Whether we are short or tall, plump or thin, white, tan or dark skinned,
blonde, brunette, red-head... Can we have grace for ourselves that we are so
much more than just what we look like on the outside?
We
are so much more than what people see – we are deep, vibrant, intelligent,
bright, capable women that have so much more to offer than just our
bodies. Again… ask any guy. They may talk a good game about the “hot”
girl, but they won’t stick around unless someone is interesting, fun,
intelligent and at ease with herself.
I
feel compelled to fight this battle because I have this sweet 10-year old
daughter and I don’t want her thinking she has to be “foto shopped” in order to
be beautiful. She is truly amazing just
the way she is. So come on, ladies – we
don’t have to buy into the belief we have to be some Victoria Secret runway
model in order to be loveable or good enough.
We just have to be ourselves – our witty, charming, fun, intelligent,
loving, giving, playful, sexy, exciting selves.
The
truth is… we all are “hot.” That is, in
all the ways that really matter. And
THAT is what makes us beautiful…
After
years of professional counseling experience with clients… after years of
working in various offices and businesses… after years of being human… I have arrived at this
conclusion:
“drama” is America’s #1
addiction.
Think
about it.
What
do you deal with and get frustrated with the most? DRAMA.
Whether it’s the person who misread your words or body language, or the
email that seemed a bit “off”, or the relationship that played out weird… our
constant concern – and quite often, our constant craving – is the drama that
will soon follow whatever experience we had that ignites a twist of tale and
woe for us and others to wonder about, consider and talk through until we are
blue in the face.
The
fear of drama keeps you from walking out the front door without your makeup
on. Seriously. Ever had that “I wonder who I will run into”
thought when you don’t look your “best”?
It is the thought of who you will run into, what will they think, and
what they might say to another that is enough to drive you crazy.
And
the fact we spend an exorbitant thinking about it is even crazier.
The
other day, I went out to lunch with my dear friend, Trudy. Having been bitten by the drama bug before, I
literally said to her, “Watch… now there will be a rumor that I am a lesbian
because we are here together.”
Labels. Judgment.
Fear. I hate that feeling.
But
that feeling is real. Why is that? Because it has happened. It has happened to me, it has happened to you
and it has happened when we least expected it.
And frankly… it hurts.
Why
do people create drama? The truth is, it distracts them from their own
life. It actally makes them feel better
about themselves. When they whisper the
words, “Did you hear . . . .” and get the enthusiastic response back that
echoes, “Seriously?!? What on earth?!”
they feel “connected” to another in a way that makes them feel better and, in a
strange twisted, safe way.
May
I offer a word of caution… Whenever someone tells you something about one
person to make that “connection” remember this: If they are willing to talk about
someone, they will be willing to talk about you.
There
is no further proof of America’s addiction to drama than our obsession with the
lives of celebrities. Look at the local
magazine rack or glance at any number of television “news” shows… we are
addicted. This morning I was watching
the TODAY show – they were talking about how Seal and Heidi Clum are splitting
up. Why is that any of our business? The Dutches of Whales – beautiful Kate… they
saw a slight scare on hair line on her head and made a huge deal of it. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and their big
break up. It went on and on…
The
key in all of this is that if I know someone else has it worse than me, then I
can feel better about my life. What a
bogus version of reality. The troubling
part is the cycle that is created. When
you do learn of someone who has it “better” than you, what do you do? You have to create more drama so you can feel
better about yourself again! Does that
sound familier? A drug addict comes down
off their high, the alcoholic starts feeling the uneasiness of sobriety, the
addict to pain killers starts feeling the pain, the eating disorder feels an
extra pound… What do they all do? They
numb again.
The
challenge with the drama addict is that its not a diagnosis – its not something
we have an AA group for. There is no
medication for it. Yet, it is very real
and affects thousands of people. Just
look at kids… drama is why kids tease each other and why they say hurtful,
horrible things that lead the tortured
to do extreme things -- even suicide.
Being the brunt of the rumor or drama makes people do crazy things. It makes them want to drink more, hide more,
eat more, be more angry. In their hurt,
they can lash back with starting another rumor.
What
makes me so sad is no one ever stops and asks, “Would I want someone to say
this about me? How would I feel if
someone talked about me like that?” It
seems to me that all of us would do well to think of the bigger picture at play
and consider where our need to “do drama” is coming from. Perhaps then we could really get to the root
of the issue and find the healthier path that gets us to what we really want:
peace with ourselves.
I
want to encourage you… When you hear someone talking drama about someone else, tell
them to stop. Standing there and
listening is no different than agreeing.
Walk away. Take a stand. Be
courageous. Lets do our part to stop the
madness… to stop the drama!
